Not How It Should Be…

Recently I had a call from an interfaith couple who wanted me to perform a wedding but not use blessings or prayers.  The couple was having difficulty finding a rabbi to officiate who oblige them. When I asked why they wanted a rabbi, considering their desire to remove religion from the ceremony, I was told it was the demand of one set of parents and those parents were paying for the wedding. Can you see the conflict already?

I spoke with the bride. I  inquired “why do you not want blessings or prayers?”  The response, fair enough, was that they are not connected to a faith group and feel it would be hypocritical to stand before a group and appear to be espousing things they did not believe. Now they did not object to the wine blessing and breaking the glass.  I asked why they would be okay with the wine  being blessed, but not allow me to bless them?   I also asked why it was not hypocritical to have some customs present but not others based upon the wishes of parents.  And when I why it was not equally hypocritical to have a rabbi to do some parts of a ceremony (but not the critical parts) in order to justify accepting money for a party…that became the end of the conversation.

Why do I share this story with you?  When a power struggle and selfish desire enter the picture we can no longer feel a sense of goodness and oneness and isn’t that what a wedding is about?  It is my considered opinion that human beings like to be blessed and have good thoughts verbalized about them.  I see this every day.  One may call blessings “happy thoughts” or “good wishes.”  But it amounts to the same thing.  Yes it is wrong for parents to dangle the cost of a wedding in order to have everything their way. A gift should be joyful and from the heart.  But it is equally wrong for a couple to sell out what they believe in order to get the party of their dreams..  Getting married means becoming mature enough to leave your parents’ home and find a mate of your own. It is becoming mature enough to make decisions based upon reason and not a sense of entitlement.  Anger and disappointment over not getting your way is not the mature way to begin carving out your future.

This incident has given me a lot to think about.  I hope you get something out of it as well.

Rabbi AR